Friendship, Again

Looking back at my last entry, written in March, it almost seems ironic to say what I'm about to say: I need to make some friends. I mean, I need to be more self-reliant, too, but I do need to make some friends.

Not that I don't have good friends--I actually have wonderful, amazing friends--but none of them live close enough for me to see on a regular basis. Of course we talk, and write, and visit, but I miss having someone around to do things with on the weekends, or to meet for lunch from time to time, or just to talk to on the phone and know they're not half a world away. Those day-to-day things make a big difference in your life, I think. They boost you up in ways that aren't even perceptible, and you miss them when they're not around. Like fluoride in the water.

The way I'm feeling reminds me that no matter how confident I am and no matter how well I'm loved (and I know I am loved very well), it's always hard for me when I'm not getting positive responses from the people around me. I feel good about myself the way I am, but I feel better when I'm feeling approval from the people I'm around every day, rather than indifference or disapproval. It's true that I've always put too much responsibility on other people for my own self-image, and even though I'm conscious of that I still tend to do it. It's never good to depend on someone else for your own self-esteem, and I'm speaking from experience. But it's hard not to respond to the people around you, and how they treat you. This is why school can be so horrible, I think. No matter how great your parents think you are, it's really hard to feel good about yourself when you're being picked on by your peers. Bad memories there.

I know that's why you look for the people who are good for you. I'm lucky that Marty has always given me a lot of positive reinforcement. That's probably the thing that has helped me the most in all the time we've been together. It's wonderful to have someone beside me who sees the better part of who I am, like Marty does most of the time. And I am very fortunate in my friends, too, and how supportive they are of who I am. When people feel good about you, it makes it easier to feel good about yourself.

But the reverse is true, too. When people see your limitations instead of your possibilities, when they focus on the things you can't do rather than the things you can, it can wear you down and make you into what they expect you to be. When someone expects the worst from you, it's hard to give them anything better than that. Besides, they wouldn't believe it if you did.

So when someone you thought of as a friend deceives you, for whatever reason, you feel like they don't value you enough to tell you the truth. Then, if they lie to you and do a bad job of it, you start thinking that maybe they also think you're really stupid, if they thought you wouldn't catch onto what they were doing. Then all those other thoughts come pouring in--is it something I said? Something I did? Why all this deception and sneakiness? Maybe they just don't like me.

But beyond all that, the truth is that people do things for a lot of different reasons. And even though I see the world through a filter that puts me at the center of all that happens, I really do know that people do things for a lot of reasons that don't involve me. Even if the outcome affects me, or damages my relationships with these people. It's not always personal, no matter how personally painful it may be. We all have to do what is right for us, which means we also have to respect the rights of others to do what's right for them. I have learned that my response to the actions of others is not about what they're "doing to me," it's about who I am.

I have also learned that when someone's lying to me, it says more about them than it does about me. If they don't understand the importance of the truth, they're missing out on something important. If they're trying to protect themselves because they think I'd respond in a negative way if I knew the truth, then it's possible that they're right about me, but it's more likely that they're misreading me. I am not a very judgmental person, about most things. Even on the rare occasion when I'm dead set against something, I can usually still be convinced. The proof is out there: squirrels, Tori Amos, boy bands . . . the list goes on and on. I've even found that some of the people I've disliked most in my life have turned out to be some of the ones I like the best after awhile--I'm not the kind of person that can't change her mind about people or situations.

But one thing I truly can't abide is being deceived. It makes me angrier than almost anything else I can think of, because I hate to feel stupid, and I hate to feel as if I'm not respected. But it also hurts me, and then I get protective of myself. It becomes difficult to be civil and to get along with others. I find myself being abrupt and short with people, to keep from lashing out. This is not productive.

Of course there are things I can do. I can confront the person, despite the fact that I hate confrontation. I can go back to work on my issues, which are mostly about maintaining the separation between myself and others, about not being knocked off track by another person's opinion of me. I remember a time not too long ago when I could say honestly that there was nobody whose opinion of me was more important than my own--I liked feeling that way, and I'll get back there again. So those are the things I'm doing--thinking about how to bring the matter up, and getting back in touch with my strengths. Those are things to feel good about.