| October 10, 2000 World Mental Health Day
(originally in weblog)
I saw in the news that today is World Mental Health Day.
Three years ago on this day, in October 1997, I went to a free depression screening in
State College, Pennsylvania, and discovered that I was depressed. Surprise!
Actually, it wasn't much of a surprise, to me or to anyone
else who knew me. I had a lot on my mind. I'd decided that month to quit grad school, and
I was scared about moving to Connecticut in December. I had been living alone for a year
since Marty had started working in New England, and that had taken a toll on my state of
mind as well as our relationship. It had been a hard year, although it certainly had its
share of good things too. I was enjoying my job for the first time in quite awhile.
Quitting school was scary but also such a relief. And I had found some good friends who
really helped me get through it all, like Maria and Kathryn. Thank goodness for them, and
for Marty, and for all my other old friends who helped too.
Going to that depression screening was the beginning of a
lot of positive changes for me. I started therapy, even though I was leaving for
Connecticut in just a couple of months. Talking things out helped me get ready for the
move (moving is very stressful for me). I still had a long way to go, after that move, and
I was depressed for quite awhile, but getting started was the hardest part. I had been
depressed for so many years that I guess I had thought there wasn't any point in trying to
get help. Grad school can do that to you.
It's actually hard now to believe that was only three years
ago. Three years don't seem like a very long time in the big scheme of things, and yet it
feels like my life has changed in so many important ways. Don't misunderstand -- I still
feel like the same person, mostly, and the impulses that led me deeper and deeper into
depression are still a part of my emotional repertoire. I still have the feelings of
inadequacy and emptiness sometimes, but they are usually not as all-consuming as they once
were. Overall I am much more confident in myself and my decisions than I was back then.
There have been a lot of other changes in the way I feel about myself and my own worth.
And my relationships are mostly different from back then too, in a lot of important and
positive ways.
The bottom line is, I'm a lot happier than I was then, and
I think one of the big reasons is that now I try hard to be responsible for my own
happiness rather than only looking for it to come from someone else. And now I'm also
setting goals that I really, really want (not like that PhD) and working to find
the motivation and the will power to make them happen. That's a big difference in how I
live my life.
But going to that depression screening three years ago was
the beginning of most of these changes. I am glad to know that there are other people who
will get help today. Life is too precious to spend it feeling so bad. |
