| November 5, 2000 Hello Again
Long time since an update. I've decided to start keeping
the journal again on a regular basis, so I'll just jump right in with the important stuff.
Last month I had a miscarriage. I was about 9 weeks
pregnant. The pregnancy was planned and very, very welcome. When it ended on October 12,
Marty and I were both very shocked and sad. I started a journal while I was pregnant and
I've continued it since the miscarriage, and it's here
if you'd like to read it.
If you read my previous journal
entry, written in February, you may be wondering about my job situation. Well, I'm
still at the same company, but I am now the only person remaining from what was an
editorial department of 4 at the beginning of this year. As you may remember, two
positions were eliminated early in the year. The third person found a new opportunity and
left the company in August. Since then I've been the Lone Editor. In some ways it's hard
to be the only person. I miss having a team to work with. But there are positive aspects
to it, too. I have a lot of freedom on projects, and I don't have to sit through nearly as
many unproductive meetings as I used to. I don't have to deal with some of the weird and
painful personality conflicts that defined our tiny department. The work is manageable, if
boring. Right now I plan to stay with the company until I go out on maternity leave,
hopefully sometime next year. Then we'll see what happens next.
Despite the miscarriage and work stresses, though, this
year has been a good one so far. I feel like my relationships with both my parents are
about the best they've ever been. I am so grateful for that. Marty and I are getting along
great and enjoying each other's company. I have made a few friends around here, which was
a long-term goal for me. And my old friends are such a joy and a comfort to me, in ways
that I can barely put into words.
As I redesigned the layout for this journal today, I read
through some of the old entries. Not only does much of the writing make me cringe, but
those entries remind me of how dark my life was just a couple of years ago. I am proud
that many of the changes are the result of decisions and actions I am responsible for. But
I am also grateful for the things that simply are true gifts of grace.
I think the miscarriage has made me more aware of my own
feelings about death. I have been thinking about it a lot since then, more than I would
have liked to think about it. Like so many others who encounter death in some way, I have
found myself reflecting on how brief life is, and how little time we have to spend with
those we love. That's a good thing to remember, no matter what. Love them today,
because tomorrow may be too late.
But the experience has also shaken my taken-for-granted
feelings of security. I find myself awake in the middle of the night, worrying about
things that could happen to Marty and what I would do if anything did. If I can't reach my
best friend or my mother on the phone for a couple of days, I get anxious about
hypothetical car accidents. I start worrying when I am away from home, even just for the
day, that the house may have burned down. These thoughts are not really normal for me, at
least not to this extreme. The anxiety is coming from somewhere, and all I can figure is
that it comes from the loss of this pregnancy.
Last week Ginkgo,
a woman who kept an online journal, ended her own life, and as a result a lot of
journallers are thinking about death right now. I did not know her and had never seen her
journal before (you may remember that I have always been dreadfully bad at reading other
people's journals) but have read through some of it since I learned of her this week. Her
husband wrote a message about
her death, and many other
people have since reflected on it as well. It's a very sad thing to read about, but I
have found it helpful and enlightening to read about how other people respond to death.
I expect my preoccupation with death will abate somewhat as
time passes. In the meantime, I find myself needing a lot of reassurance from people in my
life. Luckily for me, most of the people I have in my life are the kind of wonderful ones
that give you that when you need it. |
