| December 31, 2000 Year in Review: 2000
As far as the whole new year's resolution thing goes, there
are different kinds of years. There are those years where you start off with a massive
list of goals and objectives, and you work really hard all year until you accomplish every
single one. Or else you make a bunch of plans and then end up not doing any of them. Then
there are the years when you don't feel all that interested in making resolutions, for
whatever reason. Sometimes you end up coasting through those years, and other times you
end up doing a lot anyway.
For me, 1998 was one of those gung-ho years when everything
fell into place and I accomplished all my objectives. In contrast, 1999 and 2000 have been
those kinds of years where I didn't make any real firm resolutions, but they turned out to
be productive years anyway. In August 1999 (last year), Marty and I finally got it
together to buy a house. After that accomplishment
(and all the work we put into it) I certainly didn't feel like making any plans last
January. The last thing I wanted to do was sign up for more responsibility. But it didn't
matter much -- life sent me stuff to handle anyway.
January 8, 2000
Source: Today Page
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Chicken Soup for the
Dummy's Soul . . . Is anyone else worried about the state of American
reading? I've long been disturbed by the popularity of books like "Tooth
Brushing for Dummies" and "The Complete Idiot's Guide to AOL" (you think
I'm joking?) but just lately I've been running into this Chicken Soup
stuff (well, it's everywhere). Don't know what I'm talking about? Here's a sample. It's like Jack Handey, but for
real.
These saccharine inspirational books are everywhere I look
these days. I'm not even sure how many different ones are in existence. Some of the
Chicken Soup (CS) books have spent over 60 weeks on the NYT bestseller
lists. Here's a typical description of a CS book:
After you’ve read Chicken Soup for the Dental
Soul, you’ll never think of the dental office and the professionals who work
there in the same way again. Eavesdrop on kids at the dentist as they make you laugh and
cry; delight in the hilarious Tooth Fairy adventures; share in the heart-warming
experiences of service to the poor and dental missions to third-world countires; see
people’s self-esteem soar and their lives turn around -- all thanks to the help of a
caring dental team.
I find it difficult to believe how popular these books are.
But I suppose there has always been an audience for sentimental schlock,
and there always will be. Maybe this is just the modern-day equivalent of those
sentimental poetry albums published in the 19th century.
Maybe you haven't encountered the full range
of Chicken Soup products yet. Not only are there books (and books and books and books) but
there are games and CDs too. You can check it all out for yourself at www.chickensoup.com (isn't that URL cute?).
You can also submit your own stories to be included in the next CS book. They even have a
co-promotion thing going on with Campbell's, it seems.
Aren't these books supposed to be uplifting?
Why am I getting so depressed? (Bring on Chicken Soup for the
Skeptic's Soul . . . )
January 22, 2000
Source: Private Journal
I’m just not feeling like myself
these days. Not sure what this is about. I guess I’m thinking about stuff a lot and it’s
hard for me to turn that off sometimes. Think
think think THINK THINK. That’s what it
feels like in my head.
I’m cranky and dissatisfied with
some stuff. Other stuff (including some of
the things that frequently give me problems when I’m like this) isn’t bothering
me at all.
One thing I’m thinking about a lot
is, what is the place that work occupies in my life?
I don’t like the feeling that that’s all there is. It’s fine when things are going well, but
when things at work are bad it makes everyhting else feel bad too. I’ve started meeting some people outside my
job, at last, so maybe I’ll make some friends away from work and start feeling like
life is a little more balanced.
February 10, 2000
Source: Journal
Recently my company made some changes. My department of 4 was reduced to 2, and the work
changed a lot. It was totally unexpected, at least to me.
And even though I’m one of the ones whose job still exists, it’s
brought up a lot of difficult feelings. I
hadn’t realized how many, until they started coming out in other areas of my life.
It’s weird how that happens. If I’m feeling something – even if I
don’t know I’m feeling it – and I’m not expressing it, it tends
to come out somewhere else. Like a leaky
teacup. If you patch the place you expect the
tea to get out, it might still find some other crack to come through. One way or another, it’s going to escape. Either through one of these cracks, or by just
overflowing when it gets too full.
There are a bunch of different feelings
in that teacup right now. And every time I
patch one spot, it feels like something else is about to open up. I don’t like feeling this way. I haven’t felt this little control over my
life for quite awhile . . .
[read the whole entry]
March
11, 2000
Source: Today Page
It's funny how sometimes a day can go from
feeling really wrong to feeling really right. I've been kind of bummed out lately, even
though I've been doing some fun things . . . I think maybe I just haven't been getting
enough sleep, and that contributes to a negative state of mind. Anyway, I've been so
grumpy that I've even been getting on my own nerves.
This morning was no different. I woke up
too early and tried to read for a little, but the headache was too much to deal with. I
wonder if this is about allergies or something. It was so gray and yucky outside that I
didn't even get dressed until halfway through the day.
It was horrible and rainy this afternoon so I took Marty to
the grocery store with me. I certainly appreciated the company. Super Stop &
Shop on the weekends is not my idea of a good time. Anyway even though the store
was as crowded as ever, we had a good time. Of course we ended up spending 15 minutes in
the easter candy aisle, but I guess there are worse things that could have happened. And
while we were there they played two of my favorite songs on the PA
system: R.E.M.'s At My Most Beautiful and Dave Matthews Band's Satellite.
And they weren't even Muzak versions, they were the real songs! How cool is that?
So I came home and cooked a good dinner
(Katy's pot roast, Laura's mac & cheese, and Marty made brownies from a box)
and we had a friend over to eat with us. Then we all watched the movie Strictly
Ballroom, which never fails to make me smile. And after the movie was over, I
caught a rerun of James Taylor's induction to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame from
earlier this week. God, he is just so funny and cool. And he still has the voice of an
angel. You can't say that for every musician of his generation.
And now I'm feeling much better, actually a lot better than
I have all week. Looking back over this entry, it seems that food and music
and nice people have a lot to do with that. The weekend weather continues
to be icky, but the forecast for activities is good -- tomorrow we are going to the museum
in Hartford to spend the afternoon. I've been feeling visually deprived (no, not depraved)
and I think a trip to the Wadsworth Athenaeum is just what I need.
Off to bed now, with a soundtrack of thunder,
and rain on the windows.
April 7, 2000
Source: Today Page
After work today I stopped by the drugstore to pick up a
prescription, and I was waited on by Lou. Who's Lou? Hee hee. When we
first moved to Hamden, the very first night we were here, we went out to dinner at a
little diner nearby. It was just convenient, you know? One of those little diners where retirees
hang out. Anyway, while we were eating, in walked this young guy dressed in goth
from head to toe. He had long, dyed black hair, black eyemakeup, black lipstick,
black fingernail polish, a long black skirt, black boots, the whole works. And a nose
ring. Even better, he was carrying something that looked like a whip and a little tackle
box (though I don't think he was going fishing). So you could say he stood out from the
crowd, especially the crowd at the Acropolis Diner on a Thursday night.
He looked like he'd arrived to terrorize the old folks. But the waitress knew him -- she
said, "It's Lou! In a dress!"
Now, maybe it's because of the years I spent in Athens,
Georgia, or maybe it's because I'm related to Dixie, but I love people dressed
like this. Some of my favorite students dressed like this guy. So I can't help
myself. I get all bouncy when they come on the scene. So I was smiling when I saw this guy
walk in. I was happy to see someone dressed like that in my new town. And I guess he
thought I was laughing at him, because he turned around and sneered at me, "Wanna
take a picture?" And of course at that I almost giggled aloud. Not just a goth
boy, but a surly goth boy. Even better.
The next time I was in the drugstore, who
should be working behind the pharmacy counter but Lou? He was wearing a
white lab coat, and his hair was pulled back tight, but I recognized him right off. And
what do you think? He's the most polite, well-tempered worker you can imagine. He's very
patient with the old people who come to the pharmacy, and he gets along with all his
coworkers. Anyway, I see him there all the time. And today he waited on me at the
pharmacy. So I wished him a good weekend. I wonder what he's wearing tonight.
April 27, 2000
Source: Private Journal
What a miserable day. I am just so fucking tired of dealing with work
and everything that goes on there. If
it’s not my supervisor acting like a freak, it’s my coworkers making a point of
excluding me. Yes, I do recognize things
could be much worse, I could be being harassed, I could be getting pushed around or
belittled or forced to do really awful things. But
it’s bad enough the way it is now. And I
am just so terribly sad that things have come to this.
I used to love my job. I don’t think I’m idealizing when I say
it was just right for me. I loved my team. We had our ups and downs for sure, but I
genuinely liked all the people I worked with. The
variety of the work gave me something new to focus on all the time, and I loved that. I had some responsibility but not too much, I
didn’t have to deal directly with the dragon lady two steps up the ladder from me,
and I mostly enjoyed going to work. In the
last 4 months, since they eliminated half my department and half our projects, things have
changed so profoundly that all I can think about is when is Friday going to come again? At least once a week I come home crying. Poor Marty never knows what to expect when he
walks in the door.
July 16, 2000
Source: Weblog
We're having something of a disaster with the
bathrooms around here lately. Several months ago the upstairs shower started leaking
through the kitchen ceiling, so we started showering in the downstairs shower while we
tried to fix the one upstairs. Well, we have tried and tried, and every time we re-caulk
the upstairs shower it just keeps on leaking through the ceiling. So we've been showering
downstairs for months now while we cut holes in the wall behind the shower to try to
figure out where the water is coming from.
Fixing the shower was also put on hold while we
finished up building the bookcases in the living room (which, by the way, are finished now
and gorgeous). One project at a time, right? Well, a few weeks ago some tiles in the downstairs
tub came loose, right near the faucet. Uh-oh. So we decided we should fix those tiles
since we're showering in that bathroom every day. But guess what? When we went in with the
adhesive to stick the tiles back on the wall, we noticed a big old HOLE where the tiles
are supposed to attach to the wall. It's all black and gross in there, and the wall just
seems to be disintegrating. Why, you ask? Could it be because some previous owner attached
the tiles to dry wall instead of concrete wall board? Why yes, it could.
Some of you won't be surprised to hear this. After the
saga of last summer, when we discovered our hardwood floors were full of holes that
had been patched with everything from dry wall scraps to mortar, you simply
have to expect the unexpected. But still, I really didn't expect to discover that the
tiles in the bathroom were attached to a surface little better than cardboard. Gee. I
wonder why I never thought of that?
So now we are embarking on a bathroom project, but a
different one from the one we thought we'd be starting on. Instead of fixing the upstairs
leak, we have come up with a quick fix for that one (it involves an extra shower curtain,
some hooks, some wire, and a lot of imagination) and we're going to work on re-tiling the
downstairs bathroom . . .
July 24, 2000
Source: Weblog
Yet another house project is mushrooming out of control.
We started off needing to replace a couple of tiles in the
bathroom. I already talked about what we discovered when we tried to do that. So we
decided we'd have to replace the walls around the shower and retile them. Okay.
When we got all the old tile and old wall material down, we
discovered a lot of water damage that we thought we'd better repair before doing the tile.
Nothing we can't fix, probably, but it would involve taking the bathtub out of the
bathroom so we could reach all the areas behind it. Uh-oh.
Next thing we know, we're talking about a whole new
bathroom. Put the tub down at the other end of the room, change all the fixtures, get rid
of the sparkly orange 1969 countertop and the blue tub/toilet/sink, etc. Well, if we're
going to do all that work, we may as well get what we want. We'll have someone come in to
do an estimate so we can pick his or her brain.
Our projected timeline for this is going to be a year.
And you wonder why I'm stressed.
August 22, 2000
Source: Weblog
On Sunday Katynka and I ate at Don Pablo's, a Mexican restaurant in Altoona, PA.
It's part of a chain, but I had never been there before.
The food was fine, your standard mass-market Mexican stuff,
but the really notable thing was the decor. The eating area was wide open, kind of like
they describe on their page, like a village plaza. It also had some touches of diner style
and industrial architecture, which sounds like overload but it worked okay.
The only thing that was bad, though, was really bad.
The bathroom doors and walls were decorated in this faux-distressed finish in lurid red
and dirty-looking black. It was very disturbing. I think it was clean in there, but it
looked like it could be really dirty and you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
Plus, the colors made me think of hell. That can't be a good
thing in a restaurant bathroom. Somebody made a really bad mistake.
The funniest thing was, I went in there and noticed it, but
didn't say anything to Katynka. Then she went in and thought the exact same thing I did.
We both thought it was pretty creepy.
[snip]
Speaking of white bread . . . there are only two kinds of
sandwich for which I must have white bread, and fresh tomato is one of them. If it's a
tomato and cheese sandwich, any kind of bread is fine. But for the purist
tomato/mayo sandwich, white bread is a must. (I actually stopped on the way home from work
today and bought some specially.)
My other white bread sandwich is the thanksgiving night
sandwich: sliced turkey breast, Hellmann's mayonnaise, and white bread. Maybe a piece of
iceberg lettuce and some bread and butter pickles. It's divine.
I don't want to give the impression I'm picky about
sandwiches. God knows I love them, they're probably my favorite food of all time. I love
almost any type of sandwich, any type of bread. And despite the preponderance of
mayonnaise in the two I mentioned above, I believe in the diversity of condiments. I love
all kinds of mustards and dressings, pickles and peppers too.
But I am very, very happy when the summer tomatoes come in
and there are fresh ripe ones to be had all over town. I live it up during this time,
because it only lasts a few weeks and then it's all over until the next year. I usually
eat tomatoes until I get mouth sores from the acidity and I have to stop. I simply love
them.
Welcome to Tomato World!
August 24, 2000
Source: Journal
In honor of my new digital camera, here's
a photo-essay of breakfast at my house. We are definitely a breakfast family.
First, here's Marty's breakfast. He eats basically the same
thing every morning: apple juice, frosted mini-wheats, and a cinnamon swirl bagel.
Sometimes it's a different cereal, but this is his favorite.
Marty is nothing if not a creature of habit. I like this in
him. I think it's wonderful when you know exactly what someone wants, and not just for
breakfast, because then you know you can make them happy. That may sound silly, but having
what you want for breakfast is, I think, essential to happiness. Plus I always know
exactly what to buy at the grocery store.
As you can see from this picture, Marty is left-handed and
he likes to read Aviation Week and Space Technology at the breakfast table (as do
I).
Marty usually comes downstairs first because he has the
longest drive to work. Sometimes I'm just getting out of the shower when he finishes
breakfast, but today I was up a little earlier than usual and managed to catch him at the
table.
 Here's my breakfast:
orange juice and toast. I love orange juice and always drink that, unless we're out. I
have recently started drinking the kind with calcium added to try to ward off osteoporosis
and other bad stuff. On my plate I have cheese toast made with whole grain bread and
cinnamon toast made with white bread. This is one of my favorite breakfasts.
Unlike Marty, I like to have something different for
breakfast almost every day. Just one of the ways we're different. I rotate between toast,
waffles, cereal, pop tarts, and bananas. I am the queen of carbohydrates.
I don't like to be rushed in the morning, and I always eat
breakfast. For me, it's a time to just be quiet and not think too much. I am the kind of
person who finds morning to be the most peaceful time of the day. As the day goes on I
tend to get stressed and anxious. Morning is a good time.
 Yum yum! Here's
Ziggy's breakfast! Ziggy takes after Marty and eats the same thing every morning. In his
case it's Purina Cat Chow and a bowl of fresh water. My cat only eats dry food, and he
seems to like it very much. He also has great teeth and very inoffensive breath. Plus we
don't have that bad litterbox problem that you tend to get with canned food. Can you tell
I am a big proponent of the crunchy stuff?
Ziggy usually has food in his bowl no matter what time of
day, but he gets fed in the morning when we come downstairs. Even though he always has
food left over, he likes to jump right in and get the new stuff. Maybe it's a little
crunchier when it comes out of the bag.
[read the whole
entry]
September 25, 2000
Source: Weblog
Curio Cabinet
This weekend I unpacked some boxes of china and filled up a
curio cabinet my
mother-in-law Anna gave me when I was in Georgia last month.
The top shelf holds a
candy dish Anna made for me (back left). The little cups and saucers were my mom's.
The second shelf has
a little English china house, a tiny little tea set of Dixie's, a cup from Marty's
grandmother's collection, a milk-bottle teapot I bought in Stratford-on-Avon in 1988, a
calico cat my stepmother gave me, and some little dishes Anna painted. Anna is a very
talented china painter.
The third shelf has
my mom's teapot, a little black cat box Anna painted, and my favorite teaset of all time.
This gold teaset is the best ever; it has enough pieces so you can actually drink tea and
have snacks with it.
The bottom 2 shelves
have a few other teasets in them. One of them is Dixie's, and one is a Beatrix Potter set.
I love all these little china pieces. Many of them remind
me of my childhood. Considering how many places they traveled in the world, when I was
growing up as well as when I've been moving them around as an adult, it's amazing they're
still intact. I'm so glad.
Oh, and here's a picture of me
from tonight.
September 29, 2000
Source: Weblog
Welcome to a tour of my guest room.
On our recent trip to Georgia, we brought back a lot of
furniture that's been in our families for a long time. Most of the furniture in this room
is what I had in my room when I was growing up. It is handmade oak furniture. My father
refinished it years ago.
Here you can see the
bed, which mostly fills up the room, and one corner. On the wall beside the window are
three pictures we got on our honeymoon in Prince Edward Island back in 1993; they are
pictures of Anne of Green Gables, Green Gables (the house), and some other houses from the
north shore of PEI.
On the bed you will notice two cats -- the black one on the
end, which is Ziggy, and the white one wearing the hat up on the pillows. This one came
from Las Vegas, very exotic.
Over in the corner behind the bed is a dresser that Marty's
grandfather made by hand when he was in his 30s. He died very young, when he was in his
early 40s, so Marty never knew him. On top of the dresser are a bunch of
"babies," as we always called them in my family.
Moving around the room, you'll see the wash stand that goes
with my bedroom furniture. The windows on the right wall face the street, so they are on
the front of the house. We get a lot of sun through them during the day, as you can
probably tell. Here's
a clearer shot of the wash stand.
On the wall between the 2 front windows is my favorite part
of the room. It's an old drawer from a print
shop, which used to hold the little letters printers would use to print newspapers or
books or whatever. We hung it on the wall and I put all my little treasures in there. Some
of these things are much older than I am and were given to me when I was a little girl.
Some of them are things I've picked up around the world, and lots of them are presents
from friends. Also there are 7 very controlling and manipulative frogs living in
here now.
And here's the last wall
of the room. Yes, this room has 4 dressers. Too much is never enough!!!
Now I am off to the airport to pick up Sonal, who is coming
for the weekend. Do you think she'll be comfortable among all these ruffles and staring
dolls? :-)
October 2, 2000
Source: Great Expectations
About a month ago, on September 7, I found out I was
pregnant. I'd thought I might be for a couple of days before that, so I took a home
pregnancy test and then a blood test at the doctor's office, and both were positive. The
due date is May 8, 2001.
Marty and I were really excited to hear the news. This
pregnancy was planned and anticipated. We were happy and relieved. :) Our families were
excited too -- this is the first grandchild for all our parents.
So . . . that's a month ago. The pregnancy is going well so
far. I've experienced extreme fatigue, very sore breasts, and (as of the last few days)
nausea. Morning sickness, as you may know, doesn't just happen in the morning. Also, it
can last all day and night. And it doesn't necessarily make you throw up. It's not what I
expected. So far it's not too bad, but it's still not what I expected.
October 5, 2000
Source: Great Expectations
On Tuesday we had our first pre-natal doctor's visit. Marty
came with me. Mostly we talked with the midwife, but at the end of the appointment she
examined me. Marty got his first look at what happens in the examining room at the
gynecologist's office. Poor thing. He kind of scrunched back in the corner while it was
all going on, where he wouldn't have to get too close or see anything. I figure he might
have been more comfortable in the waiting room, but I want him to get used to this before
May when we are in the delivery room together.
They gave us all this information about the different tests
they'll be doing over the next 9 months or so. It all started with a bunch of blood tests
that happened right after the appointment. I stopped by the lab on my way home and gave four
vials of blood for these tests. It seemed like a lot, but I guess they have a lot of
things to test for.
Tonight my mom is arriving for a weekend visit. It's going
to be great to see her right now, early in my pregnancy. I have a bunch of questions to
ask her about what happened during her own pregnancies. I wonder if she's feeling like a
grandmother yet, or at least a grandmother-to-be. :-)
October 6, 2000
Source: Weblog
Last night felt like Christmas Eve. My mom and her friend
Faye were arriving in the middle of the night, like Santa Claus. I spent the evening
getting the house ready, making the beds, doing laundry, straightening up. Then I went to
bed around 10:30, keeping an ear open for the doorbell. It was that jumpy kind of sleep
that usually happens for me only on Christmas Eve. Anyway, at 2 AM I heard a knock on the
front door and went down to open up.
It's great to have my mom here. She's never visited our
house before. We looked all over it last night before they went to bed. I finally had to
get back to bed so I would at least get some sleep before morning. It was hard to leave
for work today, but she'll be there when I get home this afternoon.
October 10, 2000
Source: Weblog
I saw in the news that today is World Mental Health Day.
Three years ago on this day, in October 1997, I went to a free depression screening in
State College, Pennsylvania, and discovered that I was depressed. Surprise!
Actually, it wasn't much of a surprise, to me or to anyone
else who knew me. I had a lot on my mind. I'd decided that month to quit grad school, and
I was scared about moving to Connecticut in December. I had been living alone for a year
since Marty had started working in New England, and that had taken a toll on my state of
mind as well as our relationship. It had been a hard year, although it certainly had its
share of good things too. I was enjoying my job for the first time in quite awhile.
Quitting school was scary but also such a relief. And I had found some good friends who
really helped me get through it all, like Maria and Kathryn. Thank goodness for them, and
for Marty, and for all my other old friends who helped too.
Going to that depression screening was the beginning of a
lot of positive changes for me. I started therapy, even though I was leaving for
Connecticut in just a couple of months. Talking things out helped me get ready for the
move (moving is very stressful for me). I still had a long way to go, after that move, and
I was depressed for quite awhile, but getting started was the hardest part. I had been
depressed for so many years that I guess I had thought there wasn't any point in trying to
get help. Grad school can do that to you.
It's actually hard now to believe that was only three years
ago. Three years don't seem like a very long time in the big scheme of things, and yet it
feels like my life has changed in so many important ways. Don't misunderstand -- I still
feel like the same person, mostly, and the impulses that led me deeper and deeper into
depression are still a part of my emotional repertoire. I still have the feelings of
inadequacy and emptiness sometimes, but they are usually not as all-consuming as they once
were. Overall I am much more confident in myself and my decisions than I was back then.
There have been a lot of other changes in the way I feel about myself and my own worth.
And my relationships are mostly different from back then too, in a lot of important and
positive ways.
The bottom line is, I'm a lot happier than I was then, and
I think one of the big reasons is that now I try hard to be responsible for my own
happiness rather than only looking for it to come from someone else. And now I'm also
setting goals that I really, really want (not like that PhD) and working to find
the motivation and the will power to make them happen. That's a big difference in how I
live my life.
But going to that depression screening three years ago was
the beginning of most of these changes. I am glad to know that there are other people who
will get help today. Life is too precious to spend it feeling so bad.
October 13, 2000
Source: Great Expectations
Well, we had bad news at the doctor's office yesterday
morning. Marty and I got there at 8:45, right on time despite dreadful traffic on I-91,
and waited for a few minutes. Then we went in the ultrasound room and I got undressed and
on the table.
Because it's so early in the pregnancy they used an
ultrasound "camera" (I know this is the wrong word) that goes inside me instead
of on the outside of the belly. It wasn't too bad, it was just a little plastic wand with
a condom and some cold jelly on it. Anyway as soon as the sonographer put it inside me,
you could see a little fetus on the ultrasound screen. It was very exciting.
But when it got close up you could see that there was no
fetal heartbeat. There just wasn't any movement at all. Even before she said, "I
don't see a heartbeat," I could see that for myself. I felt like my heart was
breaking.
It was so clearly a little person in there. You could see
the little head and the curve of the back . . .
[read the whole pregnancy journal]
October 16, 2000
Source: Great Expectations
I think this is going to be really hard.
Sometimes I feel like, okay, I can handle this. I can deal
with starting over, trying again. I know rationally that when this happens it usually
means that there was something wrong with the pregnancy, that it was not going to work out
in the end or that there was going to be a big problem.
But then other times these great waves of sadness wash over
me. I can't believe how quickly I became completely attached to the existence of this
little being inside me. I just want to say I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that we won't have the
things I was thinking about sharing with you. I am so, so sorry that we won't get to see
each other and be together. I wish it could be different.
Now tomorrow is the D&C, and even though I know it will
be okay, I am scared and nervous. And although there's nothing growing inside me anymore,
I feel like I am losing something important. I wake up in the morning and the first thing
I think is, "I'm not pregnant anymore." It's not like the procedure tomorrow
will make such a big difference physically, but I still feel like I'm losing something
irreplacable.
October 30, 2000
Source: Great Expectations
Life continues . . . Since I've
returned to work, things are feeling more normal again, although there are definite
changes in how I think about my life and the future. The sadness has abated somewhat, but
I feel as though I'm in a sort of limbo while we handle this experience and wait until we
can try again.
This weekend I was talking with a good friend
about therapy. I started thinking about how my friends and I have gone to therapy in our
20s and 30s to handle our own lives and understand our own stories. So many of the issues
we need to discuss come from our relationships with our parents. Isn't it amazing? I'm
sure most parents start out with the best intentions, yet so many of us end up needing to
"work through" the outcomes of these relationships. Does this need arise even in
the most healthy parent/child relationships? I wonder. Anyway, it's still awe-inspiring
and a little frightening to think of the long-lasting effects of parenting, good or bad.
November 5, 2000
Source: Journal
I've decided to start keeping the journal again on a
regular basis, so I'll just jump right in with the important stuff.
Last month I had a miscarriage. I was about 9 weeks
pregnant. The pregnancy was planned and very, very welcome. When it ended on October 12,
Marty and I were both very shocked and sad. I started a journal while I was pregnant and
I've continued it since the miscarriage, and it's here
if you'd like to read it.
If you read my previous journal
entry, written in February, you may be wondering about my job situation. Well, I'm
still at the same company, but I am now the only person remaining from what was an
editorial department of 4 at the beginning of this year. As you may remember, two
positions were eliminated early in the year. The third person found a new opportunity and
left the company in August. Since then I've been the Lone Editor. In some ways it's hard
to be the only person. I miss having a team to work with. But there are positive aspects
to it, too. I have a lot of freedom on projects, and I don't have to sit through nearly as
many unproductive meetings as I used to. I don't have to deal with some of the weird and
painful personality conflicts that defined our tiny department. The work is manageable, if
boring. Right now I plan to stay with the company until I go out on maternity leave,
hopefully sometime next year. Then we'll see what happens next.
Despite the miscarriage and work stresses, though, this
year has been a good one so far. I feel like my relationships with both my parents are
about the best they've ever been. I am so grateful for that. Marty and I are getting along
great and enjoying each other's company. I have made a few friends around here, which was
a long-term goal for me. And my old friends are such a joy and a comfort to me, in ways
that I can barely put into words.
As I redesigned the layout for this journal today, I read
through some of the old entries. Not only does much of the writing make me cringe, but
those entries remind me of how dark my life was just a couple of years ago. I am proud
that many of the changes are the result of decisions and actions I am responsible for. But
I am also grateful for the things that simply are true gifts of grace.
[read the whole
entry]
November 8, 2000
Source: Journal
It is well and truly feeling like fall in
Connecticut now. Not the nice touristy kind of fall where the leaves are beautiful and the
sky is blue, but the damp, cold, gray, frost-on-the-window, dark-when-you-leave-work kind
of fall. It gets dark here now around 5:00 PM, but of course that will keep getting
earlier and earlier until the middle of December.
 It reminds me of England when it gets
like this. I remember from when I lived there when I was younger, we spent the whole
winter walking around dazed in the dark. It was dark when you went to school. Dark when
you left school. It was so dark, so much of the time, that I learned to distinguish the
headlights of my mother’s car from all the other cars on the road when she came to
pick me up from school in the dark. We’d all stand out beside the road in the dark
and wait for our parents to pick us up, Andrew and Phillip and I. I could see my mom
coming from far away.
I had a huge crush on Andrew. He seemed
to have some kind of preference for me, too. We were 12 or 13, I guess. We went to school
together for 2 years, what would be 7th and 8th grades in the US. When I moved to America
at the end of that second year, he and I wrote each other letters regularly for years.
 I saw him again in 1988, just for an evening, when I
was studying in Cambridge for the summer. We met up for dinner and had a good time walking
all around Cambridge that night. He seemed so grown up. He said I sounded so . . .
American. I had to laugh. My life had changed so much. We’ve continued to keep in
touch through the years. I last heard from him earlier this year. He’s been living in
France for several years working for fancy hotels. He’s a smart guy.
Of course the flip side of the whole
winter darkness thing is the summer sunlight. Yes, it rains in England, but don’t let
them fool you – there’s some glorious summer weather too. Sometimes. And it gets
light before 5 AM and stays that way until 9:30 or 10 PM. 
When I was younger, about 6 or 7, I loved
playing outside in that extended dusk, riding my bike and feeling the air getting cool
against my skin as the sun went down. Of course, by that hour, I was usually riding alone.
All the little English children my age were in bed hours before that. Some of them went to
bed so early, it was still light out. Their parents must have thought mine were completely
insane to let me run around outdoors for hours after any decent child’s bedtime.
They were probably right. Look where it
got me. I'm just so . . . American.
November 25, 2000
Source: Journal
It's been a week of early
mornings. Thanksgiving day I woke up at 4:30 and got my sister Dixie up soon after. By
6:00 we were in the car, headed for Manhattan and the Macy's parade. We got there and
parked on 70th and West End, then walked to the parade route on Central Park West. We were
there by 7:50. Spent some time walking in Central Park until the crowd started to get
thick on the sidewalks, then joined them to stake a claim for the parade. I made an
exception to my rule and actually stood on a subway grate on the sidewalk. I have an
irrational fear of those things falling through the concrete, but it was 27 degrees out
there Thursday, and that warm air felt good. We were both glad to be wearing many layers
of clothing. Dixie had on 2 shirts, 2 sweaters, tights, 2 pairs of socks, jeans, a coat, a
hat, a scarf, and gloves with mittens over them. I was dressed just about the same.
[read
the whole entry]
December 10, 2000
Source: Weblog
 Ta-daa! If you click on the picture you can see a larger
image.
As you can see, we decorated our xmas tree today. We
decided this year to put it in our dining room, which has a nice window area so you can
see the lights from outside.
Unwrapping the ornaments and all the decorations is nearly
as much fun as opening presents. I have my favorite ones, of course. The paper stars Marty
and I folded for our first Christmas away from home together are old favorites. That year
we had a tiny tree with just those stars, and popcorn and cranberry strings. It was so
pretty.
I also love the ones I got at Dank's in State College,
Pennsylvania. That's an old department store that has gone out of business now. Mary and I
would go when we were graduate students and buy ornaments. They had a great xmas section
in the basement. We got these sets of German glass ornaments and I got a bunch of suns,
stars, and moons. I love all of those.
I also have a lot of my great aunt Mamie's ornaments, the
ones I remember from her tree when I was a child. She had the strangest things on the
tree, like wooden spools threaded on yarn, a felt hat from the Mary Poppins doll, and old
clip-on earrings. The yarn and spools ornament was on her tree when I was a baby, and I
liked to play with it when I was just starting to walk. I hang it low so Ziggy can play
with it now.
[read the whole entry]
December 25, 2000
Source: Weblog
 Merry Christmas,
everyone!
It may be strange to think of people as unreligious as
Marty and me celebrating Christmas, but there is a lot of hope at this time of year, and I
am all about hope.
Today I plan to have a quiet day at home with my husband
and cat, and think about faraway friends and family. I am sure we will talk to a few of
them on the phone as well. We will have turkey and presents and be grateful for our lives.
We will probably listen to the Elvis Christmas Record a few times. Doing otherwise
would be fuckin' blasphemy! (As they say in The Commitments.)
So, many wishes for peace and joy to all Raspberry World
visitors. Hope you have a great day doing what makes you happy. Don't forget to tell the
people you love that you love them.
December 29, 2000
Source: Journal
I was not much looking forward to this Christmas. The
stress of the last two months made me fearful that it would be a difficult, stressful
time. If I had not had the miscarriage, I would have been almost 5 months pregnant for
Christmas, and things would have probably been quite different from how they were. If not
in what we did, certainly in how we felt.
But as it turned out, Christmas was not too stressful after
all. I was very careful to try not to pressure myself too much about things I couldn't get
done. And I was lucky enough to have some time off work this week, which I think has
helped immensely. I ended up feeling grateful for the things I have, instead of regretting
what I lost, which is a good way to feel at Christmastime.
[read the whole
entry]
December 31, 2000 (that's today)
Most of what happened this year was a big
surprise to me. But I feel like I've learned a lot, too. Here's just a sample:
I'm a lot less dependent on my job for
happiness than I once was. I am uncomfortable with the flip-side of this, which is
accepting the absence of the fulfillment that I used to take for granted in my work. But
overall I've found that I have much more control over my home life than over my life at
work, and it does me more good to put my energy into home than waste it on trying to make
work be something it can't be. I know that I can find another job when I'm ready, and I
also know that there are jobs that will be more fulfilling to me than this one is. I'm
choosing to stay, for now, for reasons that make sense to me.
I am more confident in my personal
relationships than I was a year ago. I spent a lot of time this year thinking about what I
value in other people and what I want them to value in me. This has improved many of my
relationships with friends and family considerably. I also made a conscious effort this
year to surround myself with the people I love, through visits and trips, and it has made
for some happy times.
The pregnancy and miscarriage showed me that
I can handle much more than I thought I could. Also, through that experience I got to know
Marty in a way I never knew him before. I am still scared to try again, and when I think
what it could be like if we have another miscarriage, I wonder how I can handle it. But at
the same time, I know that I can handle it. And I will, if it happens.
I am feeling a lot more at home in my home
now. We've worked hard on the house this year, and even though there are still a million
things to do, it's great to live in a space that feels like my own at last.
I've come a long way in feeling good about
who I am, and not letting other people's views or disapproval shake my perception myself.
A few experiences I had this year really showed me that I've changed a lot in this regard.
One thing I've seen is that I am much better equipped to let go than I once was. I'm more
than happy to work on relationships that are mutual and giving and worth saving, but I'm
doing a lot better about not taking it personally when things don't work out. I'm very
proud of this shift in my own attitude toward relationships.
I am learning to say how I feel, and to ask
for what I need. Yes, it's always a risk. But it's so much more effective than keeping
silent, and desperately wanting people to understand without being told. I am learning.
And that is all I have to say in 2000. Thanks
for reading!
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