February 26,
2001
Crisis!
 Everybody's got a crisis.
Except me. I just have a headache.
I came in tonight to two voice mails from
two different people with two different problems. I talked on the phone to one of them, a
close friend from work, and felt all that sick tension from last week coming back. My neck
tightened up. My head started throbbing. My breath got shallow. I guess I'm not in any
state to deal with anyone else's crisis right now.
My friend from work is having trouble
with her boss. Not just her boss, but the other people on her team as well. There's a lot
of power politics in their little department of 5 people, and my friend is the newest
member of the team, so she ends up playing the scapegoat most of the time. I'm lucky
enough not to be in that situation myself anymore, and I'm sure there are plenty of people
who would tell me how good I have it right now. But somehow just being on the edge of this
situation is stressing me out. We're not in the same department, but I do work with this
friend from time to time, and tomorrow I have a project to do with her dysfunctional
team... Still, it's not like we have the same boss or anything. I feel bad even
complaining about it. It just feels like the negativity is too much to bear sometimes.
Then I talked to my other friend who had
left a panicky message. But she was feeling better by the time we talked, which was good,
because I don't think I could have done much for her tonight. Sometimes it's hard to even
listen when I'm feeling all shut down inside.
I don't know why things are so rotten for
everyone all of a sudden. I think it's just getting to be that hateful part of winter
where it just feels like it's going to last for-fucking-EVER and it'll never be spring...
also, February has never been my favorite month. It's so short, it seems like nothing gets
done that needs to be done, yet at the same time it feels like it lasts 8 weeks instead of
just 4. Add to that my own strange stuff going on this time, and it's no wonder I have
felt out of sorts for most of this month.
But you know, I'm really kind of sick
of thinking about the strange stuff that's been going on with me. Much less writing about
it, or talking about it. Of course that won't stop me from bringing it up again. It's all
part of the aftermath of my miscarriage last fall and the weird fluctuations my body has
been going through since then. I've put on weight and stopped having my period and all
kinds of strangeness. Also things seem to be feeling worse as my erstwhile due date grows
closer. Right now in my un-pregnancy I am three weeks into the third trimester. In my
actual pregnancy, I am not pregnant. And it makes me mad that I have become the kind of
person who gets all worried about when I'm going to have a baby. I never thought I would
get so obsessive about this particular subject.
Still, there's a break in sight. In a
couple of weeks Marty and I are flying down to Georgia to spend a week with our families.
I will be so happy to see my parents and everyone. And it will be great to see the sun and
the flowers in mid-March -- we'll still be several weeks away from early spring here.
Oh, here's something to be happy about.
James Taylor is playing Tanglewood on July 3 and July 4 this year. I am definitely going,
probably July 4. Just the thought that July is coming is enough to perk me up a little.
Anyway, I'm still kicking. Just hated to
see the journal sitting there all empty and pitiful. It's just there's nothing much to say
at the moment.
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