April 10, 2001
It’s
all a question of definition.
I’ve always hated exercising. I’ve
never enjoyed participating in sports, and back in school I hated everything from kickball
to tennis. I don’t even do casual softball or volleyball at picnics. And I don’t
much like solitary exercise either. The only exercise-type activities I’ve ever been
able to sustain were swimming (but it was really rough on my hair) and an aerobic dance
class (which I finally quit because it met too early in the morning). Okay, I do like
croquet, and I take a nice long walk from time to time, but in general I’m a pretty
sedentary person.
However, lately I’ve been going to
the gym. I went after work last Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, and again yesterday
(Monday) and today. In fact, yesterday I went and exercised for a whole hour (usually I do
about 40 minutes, plus stretching). I know it’s not a habit yet, but I’m hoping
I can just make myself do this for awhile longer until it’s part of my daily routine.
What happened? Well, I got worried about
my health, for one thing. But I’ve been worried about that in the past and it hasn’t
motivated me to exercise. I guess the main thing is, I decided to try to look at it in a
different way. Instead of looking at going to the gym as a chore and a pain in my neck, I
tried to think of it as something nice I could do for myself. A way to take care of
myself. Not only is it good for my heart and my body, but I had read several articles in
health journals about how exercise can be an effective treatment for depression – in
some cases, more effective than antidepressants. I figured it was worth a try.
Hating exercise the way I do, I knew I
would need a lot of positive reinforcement. So on my first day back at the gym, while I
rode the Lifecycle and walked on the treadmill, I thought about how good it feels when my
muscles get all warm and loose, and how pleased I am when I meet or exceed the goals I set
for myself while I’m exercising. I thought about the fact that at the gym I can spend
an hour alone, just listening to music through my headphones, without thinking about
anything much.
That’s something else it’s good
for – quieting the shouting that goes on in my head. I have this voice in my head
that specializes in negativity. A teacher I had once called it the Chatterbox. This is the
voice that encourages me to look at the obstacles rather than the paths around them,
saying things like, “What’s the point in exercising when you’re this fat
already? Why bother looking for a new job, who’d want to hire you anyway? It’s
no wonder you had a miscarriage, look how unhealthy you are.” Honestly. This voice is
my harshest critic, and it’s never, ever constructive. Only negative and destructive.
Not to go all new-age on you, but I know
about positive self-talk and visualization, and I do think they help. I use them a lot.
But this other voice is a lot louder sometimes. However, this teacher who told me about
the Chatterbox made a really good point. If I define this voice as a chatterbox, it’s
easier to think of it as something separate
from me. Not me. Understanding that concept was
a huge step in dealing with this problem. Because that made it clear to me that I’m not the one saying those things, but I am the one who can 1) not listen, or 2) get the
voice to shut up. And somehow, exercise helps me isolate that voice and keep it in its
box, outside my head, where it belongs. (This is pretty much the same concept as Anne
Lamott’s mice in a jar, which Viv also wrote about a few
months ago.)
Anyway, I know exercise helps me gain
some control over this voice, so I decided to think of it as a good thing rather than a
loathesome chore. So far it’s working. I don’t know if I’m just fooling
myself or what, but I’ve actually been looking forward to going to the gym after work
every day.
That got me thinking about how I define
other things in my life. Sometimes when I’m feeling bored or lonely, wondering why
nobody wants to talk to me or write me, I get the feeling that part of the reason is that
I’m not feeling happy with myself. When I’m feeling like that, I don’t like
being by myself. But if you asked me, even when I’m at my lowest, I would tell you
that I actually do like who I am. So why should
I feel unhappy about spending time alone? It doesn’t make much sense. I think part of
the secret to dealing with this lies in how I define things to myself.
An example: this morning I was sitting at
the table eating cereal and writing a card to a friend. I was kind of dreading work today
and wishing I could stay home and do something fun and interesting. But then I thought,
hey, it’s actually kind of cool to be sitting here at breakfast in my own house
writing this card. And it’s nice that I have a friend to send this to. And it’s
also good that I have a job so I can make money to feed my cat and paint my dining room
and go on trips and stuff. So what’s to feel bad about? Maybe my job’s not as
much fun as it once was, but I’m looking for a new one and so I should feel good
about myself there. Maybe I miss my friend a lot but at least we keep in touch all the
time. And maybe I would like to stay home today, but this week is a short one and we have
a three-day weekend coming up. So I’m going to be grateful for those things.
Actually, the best example of looking at
things differently is one I haven’t mentioned yet that also happened in relation to
the gym. I was very disappointed a couple of weeks ago when I discovered that I’m
still not pregnant. But instead of just feeling sorry for myself I decided that I would
take this as an opportunity to start back to the gym right now. I know from my experience
last fall that during the first few months of pregnancy I will be very, very tired. I
doubt I’ll feel like starting a new exercise plan. So right now is a good time to
start it, and if I get pregnant next month or six months from now, at least I will have
done something good for myself, and maybe I’ll be able to keep it going, too.
So this is what I’ve been thinking
about: how much control we have over the way we define the things that happen in our
lives. Are these events good or bad? In all actuality, there are probably only a few
things that happen that are inherently good or
bad. Mostly it’s up to us to decide how we’ll look at them. It’s the way
some people look at “problems” and see “opportunities.”
I do realize that it doesn’t feel
like a decision most of the time. Say I lose
my job, I wouldn’t necessarily think, “Hey, I’m gonna look at this as a
good thing. An opportunity to find something better.” But I guess what I’m
saying is, I could look at it like that. And it
would probably get me a lot farther than thinking the other stuff, the negative stuff. I
am pretty sure you can teach yourself to take that positive view. Wouldn’t that be
great? |
