April 15, 2001

How Life Is

Trish: So, is this it? Is this just how life is?
Susie: Yeah, I think maybe it is.
Trish: I was afraid of that.

One of the hardest things to accept about grown-up relationships, I think, is that even the people who love you best can’t always give you what you need. They love you truly, maybe in the very way they would want to be loved if they had their druthers, but that doesn’t mean they love you the way you want to be loved, or give you what you need most of all.

You know what I mean. Two people can fit perfectly together in so many ways, and just not fit in one BIG way. Or they can not fit in a hundred ways, but fit perfectly in the one way that means the most to them. The longer I live, the more I see this dynamic in all kinds of relationships. It happens between friends, between lovers, between parents and their grown children, between coworkers, and in almost any other kind of human interaction you can think of. I see it all the time in the other online journals I read, in my friends’ lives, in my own life. It’s just how life is, I think.

The big question, of course, is how far are you willing to go? If you’re in a relationship with someone who constantly pushes a button that you can’t stand to have pushed, how many good things are necessary to outweigh the bad things? How many mix tapes does it take to make up for the fact that your friend never calls you when he says he will? How many fun dates can make up for the fact that when you’re not with her, your girlfriend doesn't think about you much? How many good days can make up for the times when your boss makes you feel inadequate? How much love is enough to erase the hurt that you feel every time someone lies to you to “spare” your feelings?

I don’t know. The economics of needs and wants are beyond my comprehension. But I do think a lot of times people get involved in these relationships thinking that maybe the other person will change. Well, maybe. But probably not. It may be more likely that your needs in that relationship will change to match what the other person is able to give. That doesn’t mean you won’t find the other things you need in other relationships. And even when people do things we don’t like, sometimes the good parts do outweigh the bad parts. That’s a decision each of has to make individually for each relationship we’re in.

So I’m starting to get it: Other people can’t always give you what you need, but it’s not necessarily because they don’t love you. They may not even know what it is you need, or understand it, or place the same priority on it. And something else to keep in mind is that other people most likely feel the same way about you -- I mean, that you're not giving them what they need. That's just normal. Each of us knows better than anyone else what we want most of all.

That’s why it becomes really important to take care of ourselves. We have to give ourselves what we need. This is not always easy, especially when our need is for love and affection, but so often people who need affection from others don’t show any affection for themselves whatsoever. I don’t want to oversimplify things, but I know that I’m a happier person when I can give myself a break from all the self-criticism and just be a little understanding. Sometimes I have to remember to be nice to myself. (However, I can think of a few people who might be better off if they actually applied more self-criticism, so this isn’t really a hard-and-fast rule.) In the end, it's up to me to know what I need and to make sure I get it, either by asking for it, providing it for myself, or looking elsewhere.

And I know that it’s good to be grateful for the love we are given. But I also know that even in good relationships, sometimes I feel like I’m walking around with my heart held in my two hands like a little bird with a broken wing. All I want to do is protect it from being bumped again. And maybe that’s not a bad way to be, sometimes. Because there are also times in those same relationships when I trust with my whole heart, and my trust is more than rewarded. I think it’s just life. And we do have to look out for ourselves, as well as caring about other people.

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