| August 9, 2001 Anniversaries
I'm having a contemplative summer. Just lately I've been
thinking about all these unconventional anniversaries I'm passing. Some are associated
with work, some with personal stuff.
Two years ago this week, we bought our house. It was a big
event. Sometimes it's hard to believe we've been living here two years; other times it's
hard to believe we haven't been here longer. It's amazing to think of all the people who
have come to visit us here in just that short time, and all the things we've done in these
two years. We still have so much work to do on the house. But we're making progress.
A year ago today was my first day as a one-woman editorial
department. In many ways, it was a relief to be alone at last. There had been so many
personality conflicts and problems getting along that it was an improvement. Many times in
the last year I've missed working with a team, but for the most part it's been a good
year. I've certainly grown a lot personally, and probably professionally as well. I'm not
sure I'll stay in this same position much longer, but it's been interesting. I've found
out a lot about what I can do.
Right around a year ago now was also when I got pregnant.
This whole week or so I've been thinking about that, and the miscarriage, a lot more than
I usually do. If the pregnancy had worked out, I would have been coming to the end of my
maternity leave right about now. Boy, this summer sure turned out differently than I
expected. Not only was I not out on leave with a new baby, I had used up almost all my
vacation days for the year before the end of May. I won't say I've been working
particularly hard, but I've been at work almost every day since then.
I'm sure there are other anniversaries. But those are the
ones that stand out just now. It's funny, the things you remember when you start thinking
about the past.
You know, things happen in life that you don't want to have
happen. Maybe your job changes or you have problems with your boss. Maybe relationships
shift and take on a different character. Maybe you lose something that you never thought
you'd lose, or something you didn't even know you had. There's not always a lot we can do
about these things. I am all for self-determination and having an internal locus of
control, but there are just some things you can't control.
But here's what I've been thinking about this summer: even
when I don't have control over the things that happen, I do have control over how I act.
It is within my power to respond to the unexpected and the unwanted with grace and class.
I am responsible for my own actions, and also for the consequences of those actions.
Maybe that sounds self-evident, but I've been thinking very
explicitly about what it means to be a grown-up. And I have been trying to figure some
things out, about how I want to be and what I think is important. I've been thinking about
how to act, how not to act out, how to let go when I need to, and what is
appropriate in relationships.
Anyway, it's kind of heavy, but I came up with all these
statements -- rules -- I don't know what to call them, exactly. Guidelines for myself,
maybe. If you want to be really new age, maybe they're "affirmations" or
something. Anyway, there are 15 of them. Here are some examples (not the whole list):
- I usually can't control the way I feel, but I can almost
always control the way I act on my feelings.
- Every action I choose to make has consequences, and I am
responsible for those consequences, even when I wasn't aware of them before I acted. I
expect other people to be responsible for the consequences of their actions, as well.
- Worrying doesn't make anything better. It only makes me
weaker.
- Telling the truth is important, but I am allowed to decide
whether or not I want to talk about something or share my feelings. Some things don't have
to be shared.
- On the other hand, just because I need to talk about
something doesn't mean that someone else has to listen. My journal is there for a reason,
and so is my therapist.
- I am stronger than I realize. I am also stronger than lots
of other people realize.
- It is right for me to expect other people to respect my
feelings. If someone says something cruel or hurtful to me, my feelings about that person
will probably start to change. I can't stop that from happening, and I probably shouldn't
try to.
- People who underestimate me are generally not worth trying
to convince.
The list goes on, but that's enough to give an idea of what
they look like. Most of them right now are related to my own behavior and relationship
issues. But lately, spurred on by some discussions I've been having with a friend about
our jobs, I've been thinking about some professional ones as well.
I'm not sure why these things are so
helpful to me, but they are. It's very odd, because if I encountered these
"tips" (or whatever they are) in a self-help book, I'm sure I'd be embarrassed
and feel like they were pure cheese. But somehow, rather than being embarrassed, I find it
comforting to have this list -- my list -- capturing ideas about living that are
important to me. Maybe it's because I grew up without establishing very strong personal
guidelines, for whatever reason. I mean, I've almost always behaved in what you might call
a "moral" manner, but I've been an "adult" for a long time without
thinking explicitly about these things.
But who's to say that I should live by anyone else's
schedule? Now may just be the time when I take care of these things.
Besides, I always like to have something to show my
therapist when she comes back from her 3-month vacation.
Anyway, about the anniversaries... I find that
the last year or so has taught me much about being patient. At least, how to be patient
about some things. It's not hard to figure out what taught me that, but it wasn't an easy
lesson to learn. Still, learning it has helped my mental state immensely, and has improved
some of my relationships too. Sure, I'm still working on the part about responding to
unexpected and unwanted events with grace, but I'm getting there. |
